Blackbirds are getting into the living room in the house in Auburn via a crack between the floor and the wall at the southeast corner where my computer used to be. I am not sure why they are trying to get into the house; perhaps it is cold outside. Half a dozen have already come in when I move to stop them by blocking the entrance. When a crow tries to come in as well, I block it by holding my hand against its chest, feeling the soft feathers press against my palm. While I am holding back the crow, a black cat gets in through another opening to my right but I do not attempt to stop it.

Now I am in the living room in Jackson where a large brown and black cat has killed the blackbirds and put them in a little pile on the floor. Two blackbirds have not been killed; they are hiding under a nearby piece of cloth or clothing. Terrified by the cat, they attempt to run to a safer spot but the cat immediately catches and kills them. I am disturbed that the blackbirds have been killed but as I think about it while standing at the counter in the kitchen, I realize that there was not much I could do to save them. I can't even really blame the cat; killing birds is what cats do.

Although I classified this dream under Agency, it appears to more directly address feelings, in particular my feelings about leaving Susan and how I have dealt with those feelings. The references to my marriage to Susan are clear: the initial setting in the Auburn house, particularly the living room of that house, and the black cat all symbolize that marriage in this dream from four months ago. The blackbirds entering the house may represent the feelings of affection and love which I developed for Susan before and during our marriage, or they may represent memories of when I enjoyed those feelings. The crow, which I associate with a trip in April 2010 to Mendocino where I photographed ravens, probably represents feelings of anger and grief over the loss of the companionable relationship Susan and I had prior to that time, feelings which I would rather have avoided and memories I would rather forget.

The change of setting to Jackson clearly represents leaving Susan and less clearly symbolizes the process of pursuing a life more in line with my own desires, and the exercise of agency that process entailed. The color brown in various contexts in dreams over the past 10 years appears to represent agency in myself and others, though in this dream that agency is exercised to kill feelings and forget memories, if I understand the symbolism correctly. I think that reflects my actual experience of denying positive memories of my relationship with Susan and avoiding if not suppressing the feelings of guilt and grief I experienced in leaving her. The closing scene of the dream seems to support the idea that I can't help doing that - effectively denying my agency in that area.