I am lying facedown on Mom's bed waiting for a massage or backrub from Ali or from Jed. Mom is sitting at the head of the bed, waiting to get in bed to go to sleep. Someone, Sarah maybe, is lying on the other side of the bed and already receiving a massage, I think. As Jed begins to rub my shoulder I begin to feel very anxious about keeping Mom from going to bed so I tell him I am too tense to continue and suggest to him that we stop and move into another room where I can lie on the floor to receive my massage.

We leave the room and step outside, followed by John who has been sitting in a chair next to the bed. Coming to some blueberry bushes, I look for some blueberries to pick for breakfast but most of the berries are shriveled and white. Ali explains something about "Mummy Berry" as I look through the bushes for berries. I find a couple of bushes with quite a few ripe berries on them, then another bush with clusters of berries the size of grapes, although many of the large berries are not ripe yet. As I approach that bush John utters an inarticulate cry because that is his special blueberry bush and he does not want me to pick them. That is okay with me because I don't think they will taste that good anyhow.

I awoke from the dream feeling an anxiety which I cannot seem to shake for the rest of the night. Without fully waking up, I try to remember the dream but find it difficult not to slip back into it. In particular, I keep picturing a piece of equipment like a small box next to the bed and cannot decide what it is, maybe my ventilator or perhaps just a control for an electric blanket.
My memory of the dream is not as clear as I would like. Neither Jed nor the person next to me on the bed who may be Sarah are clearly identified; Jed reminds me of Ali's high school boyfriend Bill. I think Ali spoke more in the dream than I have written above, but I can't recall what she said. The location of the dream is also unclear.

Mom is wearing a dark green dress jacket reminiscent of one which I remember from childhood. It would be typical of her to want us to do something, such as getting off her bed so she could use it, but to not speak up and say so. John often enjoyed blueberry pancakes for breakfast. My concern about Mom being able to go to bed does not seem to be a sufficient cause for the anxiety I feel in the dream. Moreover, I am not the only anxious one in the dream; John's dramatic reaction to the prospect that I might pick his blueberries betrays considerable anxiety as well. The person next to me on the bed, on the other hand, seems completely unconcerned, as does Ali.
Ali is a high school friend whom I think of as even more logical, analytical and articulate than she was back then. The summer after high school we shared the house in Jackson for a few months and from time to time gave each other massages.
During that summer in Jackson Ali was quite interested in the nutritional value of foods, including blueberries, which at the time were regarded as having no nutritional value at all. A few years ago she and I were reminiscing about that, and about how remarkable it was that blueberries are now considered the most nutritious of all fruits.

What to make of all this, I don't know, though reading this later I am impressed with a sense of loss which comes through most clearly with regard to the blueberries. Picking and eating blueberries has been a lifelong pleasure but in this dream, I am unable to do so. John also fears losing his blueberries.
A sense of loss crops up elsewhere as well, in my high school relationship with Ali and in the reference to the time in my childhood when Mom would where her dress jacket to go out with Dad, before they separated. Now Mom has lost John to death and when I think of her I often wonder how she is coping with that loss.