I probably would not have bothered to remember this dream were it not for the startling appearance
of two of me.
I am in my dormitory room considering whether or not to drive up north to look for some shorebirds.
A photo in a recent report shows a bird which appears to be a Mountain Plover, which is quite rare
in the area. As I am leaving, Jared shows up at my door and reminds me that I had offered to help
him with his Calculus homework so I cancel my birding trip and invite him in. His homework seems
to involve positioning a flat piece of plastic coated with gold paint which looks dark but gleams
when held at a certain angle to the light. Both Jared and Daniel, who is in the room with us, are
able to hold the piece of plastic at the correct angle without my assistance.
The guy in the room next door, who may be a year ahead of me, walks down the hallway and makes some
comment about me, perhaps asking if I am okay. I shout after him "Go fuck yourself!" then explain
to Daniel that I have become more assertive. I step out of my room (I don't recall why) and when I
come back into the room I am surprised to see that there are two of me, sitting side-by-side in
separate chairs. One is dressed but the other is naked. Identifying with the clothed Brian, I ask
the naked one if he is me but he does not respond, then it occurs to me that he might be Jesus so I
ask him. I think I am both relieved and disappointed that he is not Jesus.
Susan is in the room now and has brought a small bottle of food for Daniel, some kind of granular
cooked cereal, gray in color and apparently rather bland because she asks me for some seasonings or
condiments to dress it up. I offer her some gray vegan gravy in a slender bottle like a Tabasco hot
sauce bottle. She asks if I have anything else and we look in the refrigerator where we find
several items including yellow mustard and some kind of jelly. We also find a nearly empty bag of
tortilla chips and open it up, offering some to Daniel but he declines, explaining that he and Susan
will soon be having lunch together at a Mexican restaurant down south.
As is sometimes the case, when I initially consider this dream I have no idea what it means. It
does not help that I may have forgotten a few details. It does help though to consider the time
frame of the dream, which in this case starts and ends in the present - initially chasing a rare
bird, and at the end helping Susstepan, who does not live with me, find something for Daniel, who is not
living with either of us. She seems to recognize that what she has to offer does not interest
Daniel, which feels generally true. He has however arranged to get together with her, which also
feels true. The dream also references the past: I am living in a dormitory as I did during college,
and I have offered to help Jared (perhaps not his correct name) who was a classmate of Daniel's in
junior high school. Jared was also the son of the SDA conference president, so canceling my
birding plans in order to assist him with homework may represent joining the church rather than
pursuing my own way.
The two seated Brians appear after I speak assertively to my neighbor. As the agent in the dream,
I seem to be separate from both of them; although I immediately recognize the naked Brian as me, I
identify with, and am physically situated closer to, the Brian who is dressed. Both figures are
inanimate but alive. Physically they appear to be identical, essentially my current age, and
perhaps affected by ALS. My asking the naked one if he is Jesus suggests that he may represent my
Christian life, which ties in with the references to the two periods in the past when I was active
as a Christian.
That the naked Brian is not Jesus is a healthy acknowledgment of my limitations. When I first
accepted Christ I expected to become perfect, perfectly good, like Jesus. Then when I married Susan
I believed that my love could, and should, heal her from her pain, like Jesus. When in both cases I
failed to meet my expectations, I concluded not that the expectations were unreasonable but rather
that I was not good, and therefore unworthy of love. In this dream though, I recognize that I am
not Jesus, nor do those around me need me to be Jesus. Jared is able to figure out his "calculus"
homework without my assistance, and Susan will be sharing a meal with Daniel without my
intervention. I recognize that I do not need to be perfectly good for God or for others in order to
be acceptable.
But if I am not Jesus, does that also mean that Jesus is not me, that is to say, that Jesus is
not merely a creation of my imagination, but rather exists as an independent being apart from
me. I think that both my relief and disappointment indicate that my answer to that question is
currently "no".