I am walking down a hallway and I pass Keith Hallum. He greets me but I don't think to respond
until too late. I walk down a stairway into a very large and mostly empty room. Someone, partly
hidden behind the door frame, is doing something with a bicycle and other items, perhaps bicycle
parts, are scattered around the room and arrayed on shelves in front of a door in the far corner of
the room. I wonder if I will need to move the shelves in order to go out the door but I am able to
exit without moving them. Outside it is nearly dark. I am in one of several rather small fenced
yards which appear to be backyards of private homes. Two small dogs rush up to me snarling and
barking. I reach down and pet the closer one, a fat low-slung brown and orange job, on his head and
he immediately changes, cringing and fawning as if desperate for my affection.
I look for a gate by which to exit the yard and with difficulty in the low light, spot one in the
corner. It leads into another yard where several men are sitting on chairs on the lawn. Concerned
about crossing their property, I asked one of them how to get back out to the street and he responds
amiably, "Go out by the Ash tree". At first I don't see an Ash tree, only two Sugar Maples ahead on
my right, then I notice a third tree to the right of the two maples and it is an Ash. A steep bank
of fine-grained dirt, actually a driveway, leads up to the left of the Ash. I climb the bank,
kicking steps in the dusty soil as I go. I don't know how anyone could use it as a driveway.
Up on the street, it is a bright sunny early spring morning. A big snowstorm has recently blown
through leaving drifts of soft snow higher than my head along the left side of the street but
blowing the right side of the street mostly clear. I wade into the first drift and trigger a slide
of soft snow several feet deep which forms a pile in the street in front of me. I plow through that
and begin to run, feeling light on my feet and running easily through the knee-deep snow. At the
top of the hill, which is very much like the hill above the house in Jackson, I turn left and run on
mostly bare pavement past Overlook. The drifts on my left, along the side of the road by the field,
are only a foot or so deep here and they are melting. I am surprised that despite having ALS I can
run so easily and I imagine that it would not be difficult to run eight minute miles. I think about
my schedule for the day and realize that I can run for at least another hour or so before I need to
be anywhere.
Passing the Iselin's house, which has long been uninhabited, I notice that the garage door is open
and there appears to be a light on inside. I don't see anyone in the garage but a lawn mower is
sitting on the concrete apron out front. As I walked past the driveway and can see more clearly
into the garage, I am no longer certain about the light inside; it might just be the sun shining in
through the door.
This dream incorporates several recurring symbols from my dreams over the past several years, but
with a new twist. I don't know exactly what the dream means but the symbols provide some clues.
Like many previous dreams, it appears to be a narrative summary of my adult life. Keith Hallum and
the institutional style of building in which I encounter him are references to Auburn Adventist
Academy, and by extension to my early days as a Seventh-day Adventist. I relied on my bicycle for
transportation back then. The dogs again in this dream appear to represent God. This time I sense
that they are rightfully defending their territory against me, an intruder, but I do not find them
threatening, nor even inappropriate. By casually acknowledging their presence I mollify them, and
now they want my approval but I am more concerned with moving out of this area where I do not
belong. I am a little worried that the men will be angry with me, but when I let them know that I
am trying to get off their property, they are happy to help.
Now things get interesting. "Go up by the Ash tree." With Ash I associate ashes, and then
cremation, and death. And that dusty hill past the Ash tree recalls Genesis 3:19 "For dust you are,
and to dust you shall return". As I pass the ash tree in the dream I pass from darkness into light
and the setting changes to Jackson, my childhood home. The two maple trees represent both Jackson
and dying; in the past couple of years both of the two large maples in front of the house in Jackson
have died.
As in previous dreams, the symbol of snow recalls winter, the season when nature dies and so the
time during my life when I am dying, the present time. But it is a bright sunny morning and the
snow is beginning to melt. It is early spring, the season of resurrection and renewal. I am
running freely and easily, fully alive despite ALS. It is appropriate then that there are signs of
life in the Iselin house where I played with my friend Sandy when I was a little boy, but which has
stood empty for a long time now. But maybe those signs of life are a trick of the light.
The dream expresses my evolving view of the meaning of God in my life. Through my own agency I
found myself trapped in a framework in which I didn't belong, confined within a worldview in which I
was alone and in the dark. Not until I claimed my authority over that God was I able to find my way
out. The man's voice explaining how to get out of darkness was probably my own voice. The way into
light involved the death of some kind, perhaps the sentence of death pronounced upon me by ALS six
years ago which was the catalyst for the changes I have experienced since then. It could be
described as a conversion of sorts, as Jesus puts it in John 5:24, "Indeed, he has crossed over from
death to life."
Although I did not feel much emotion in the dream, sadness rose to the surface as Darchelle and I
discussed it. The symbols of death represent the profound loss I experienced as I relinquished the
virtual parent that I identified as God. God offered me not only parental love and guidance but
also the familiar demanding and condemning presence of my father, and perhaps also the caring but
distant presence of my mother. From adolescence on I clung tightly to them while at the same time
putting them outside of myself into the external person of God, a construct abetted by my submission
to the external framework of religion. In reality they were parts of myself but because I made them
external to me I couldn't change them so had to conform in ways that increasingly didn't fit. For
years I kept them apart from me but close by, not acknowledging them as part of myself and realizing
that letting them go would actually mean accepting them as part of who I am. I kept God around to
spare myself the pain letting go, but letting go of God, my virtual parent, was the
prerequisite to becoming more fully the person I am. Through the death of God, I entered into my
life.
If I still believed in God, I might see the dream in a different way, as perhaps a message from Them
regarding the future that awaits me. In that future, through death I pass from the darkness of this
life into the light of the next. In that future, "they will run and not grow weary, they will walk
and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31. In that future, it is as if I am a child again. But I do not believe
that They spoke to me through the dream. There is not anyone in the Iselin's garage after all; the
house remains empty and the light inside is only the natural light of the sun.