Brian's Journal - A Dream

From Auburn to Jackson (from darkness into light) (7/24/2019)
I am walking down a hallway and I pass Keith Hallum. He greets me but I don't think to respond until too late. I walk down a stairway into a very large and mostly empty room. Someone, partly hidden behind the door frame, is doing something with a bicycle and other items, perhaps bicycle parts, are scattered around the room and arrayed on shelves in front of a door in the far corner of the room. I wonder if I will need to move the shelves in order to go out the door but I am able to exit without moving them. Outside it is nearly dark. I am in one of several rather small fenced yards which appear to be backyards of private homes. Two small dogs rush up to me snarling and barking. I reach down and pet the closer one, a fat low-slung brown and orange job, on his head and he immediately changes, cringing and fawning as if desperate for my affection.
I look for a gate by which to exit the yard and with difficulty in the low light, spot one in the corner. It leads into another yard where several men are sitting on chairs on the lawn. Concerned about crossing their property, I asked one of them how to get back out to the street and he responds amiably, "Go out by the Ash tree". At first I don't see an Ash tree, only two Sugar Maples ahead on my right, then I notice a third tree to the right of the two maples and it is an Ash. A steep bank of fine-grained dirt, actually a driveway, leads up to the left of the Ash. I climb the bank, kicking steps in the dusty soil as I go. I don't know how anyone could use it as a driveway.
Up on the street, it is a bright sunny early spring morning. A big snowstorm has recently blown through leaving drifts of soft snow higher than my head along the left side of the street but blowing the right side of the street mostly clear. I wade into the first drift and trigger a slide of soft snow several feet deep which forms a pile in the street in front of me. I plow through that and begin to run, feeling light on my feet and running easily through the knee-deep snow. At the top of the hill, which is very much like the hill above the house in Jackson, I turn left and run on mostly bare pavement past Overlook. The drifts on my left, along the side of the road by the field, are only a foot or so deep here and they are melting. I am surprised that despite having ALS I can run so easily and I imagine that it would not be difficult to run eight minute miles. I think about my schedule for the day and realize that I can run for at least another hour or so before I need to be anywhere.
Passing the Iselin's house, which has long been uninhabited, I notice that the garage door is open and there appears to be a light on inside. I don't see anyone in the garage but a lawn mower is sitting on the concrete apron out front. As I walked past the driveway and can see more clearly into the garage, I am no longer certain about the light inside; it might just be the sun shining in through the door.
This dream incorporates several recurring symbols from my dreams over the past several years, but with a new twist. I don't know exactly what the dream means but the symbols provide some clues. Like many previous dreams, it appears to be a narrative summary of my adult life. Keith Hallum and the institutional style of building in which I encounter him are references to Auburn Adventist Academy, and by extension to my early days as a Seventh-day Adventist. I relied on my bicycle for transportation back then. The dogs again in this dream appear to represent God. This time I sense that they are rightfully defending their territory against me, an intruder, but I do not find them threatening, nor even inappropriate. By casually acknowledging their presence I mollify them, and now they want my approval but I am more concerned with moving out of this area where I do not belong. I am a little worried that the men will be angry with me, but when I let them know that I am trying to get off their property, they are happy to help.
Now things get interesting. "Go up by the Ash tree." With Ash I associate ashes, and then cremation, and death. And that dusty hill past the Ash tree recalls Genesis 3:19 "For dust you are, and to dust you shall return". As I pass the ash tree in the dream I pass from darkness into light and the setting changes to Jackson, my childhood home. The two maple trees represent both Jackson and dying; in the past couple of years both of the two large maples in front of the house in Jackson have died.
As in previous dreams, the symbol of snow recalls winter, the season when nature dies and so the time during my life when I am dying, the present time. But it is a bright sunny morning and the snow is beginning to melt. It is early spring, the season of resurrection and renewal. I am running freely and easily, fully alive despite ALS. It is appropriate then that there are signs of life in the Iselin house where I played with my friend Sandy when I was a little boy, but which has stood empty for a long time now. But maybe those signs of life are a trick of the light.
The dream expresses my evolving view of the meaning of God in my life. Through my own agency I found myself trapped in a framework in which I didn't belong, confined within a worldview in which I was alone and in the dark. Not until I claimed my authority over that God was I able to find my way out. The man's voice explaining how to get out of darkness was probably my own voice. The way into light involved the death of some kind, perhaps the sentence of death pronounced upon me by ALS six years ago which was the catalyst for the changes I have experienced since then. It could be described as a conversion of sorts, as Jesus puts it in John 5:24, "Indeed, he has crossed over from death to life."
Although I did not feel much emotion in the dream, sadness rose to the surface as Darchelle and I discussed it. The symbols of death represent the profound loss I experienced as I relinquished the virtual parent that I identified as God. God offered me not only parental love and guidance but also the familiar demanding and condemning presence of my father, and perhaps also the caring but distant presence of my mother. From adolescence on I clung tightly to them while at the same time putting them outside of myself into the external person of God, a construct abetted by my submission to the external framework of religion. In reality they were parts of myself but because I made them external to me I couldn't change them so had to conform in ways that increasingly didn't fit. For years I kept them apart from me but close by, not acknowledging them as part of myself and realizing that letting them go would actually mean accepting them as part of who I am. I kept God around to spare myself the pain letting go, but letting go of God, my virtual parent, was the prerequisite to becoming more fully the person I am. Through the death of God, I entered into my life.
If I still believed in God, I might see the dream in a different way, as perhaps a message from Them regarding the future that awaits me. In that future, through death I pass from the darkness of this life into the light of the next. In that future, "they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31. In that future, it is as if I am a child again. But I do not believe that They spoke to me through the dream. There is not anyone in the Iselin's garage after all; the house remains empty and the light inside is only the natural light of the sun.