I am in my office in the house in Auburn wrapping up a handwritten letter to someone. A square space
in the upper right-hand corner of the page has been left blank so I search for a stamp or picture
to glue onto the space. Unable to find anything, I cut out a picture of a flower and then look for some
glue. On my desk I find some rubber cement but it has partially dried out so I can't use it.
In the kitchen I find David washing dishes at the sink. He is holding a small gardening tool in his
teeth temporarily while he washes silverware. It is the morning of the marathon and both he and
Susan are very busy so I decide not to trouble him by asking him for glue. Instead I go out to the
living room and find a small bottle of glue on a table by the window. When I go to glue the flower
onto the letter I discover a cutout of a pink paper heart which I also need to glue onto the letter.
It does not go well with the flower. I want to fit the flower within the heart but it does not fit.
I need to mail the letter so I catch a ride with Susan, who is driving her van with a load of
equipment to the marathon start. We are driving down a long hill on a multilane highway. It is
dark outside, so dark in fact that we cannot even see the lane lines in the road in front of us.
Susan swerves to the left, almost cutting off a car behind us before we pull over to the right
shoulder where we can see gravel along the edge of the road and are able to proceed despite the
darkness. At one point we come across boulders which have fallen onto the pavement from the roadcut
cliff on our right. Shortly after the boulders we get out of the van and start walking down the
road. There is melting ice on the pavement but it cracks up as we step on it. I am concerned about
how it will go with the marathon until I remember that the runners are accustomed to cold conditions
and will be okay. Then I realize that is crazy for us to be walking because we will never make it
in time and moreover the van contains equipment Susan will need at the race, so we turn around and
head back to the car.
I woke up from the dream and lay in bed half-asleep, free-associating with the images in the dream
in an attempt to derive the meaning. The boulders falling from the roadcut remind me of the nerve
cells failing in my spine, so I understand them to represent my dying of ALS. Susan and I drive
together as far as the boulders. Our marriage survived until my diagnosis of ALS. Susan's swerving
across the lanes of the highway reminded me of a recent incident with Darchelle, and the darkness
obscuring the road ahead could represent my uncertainty about what Darchelle and I will face in the
coming year or two before I die. ALS marked the end of my marriage to Susan and my dying of ALS
will end my marriage with Darchelle.
The symbolism of the letter and the search for glue is not wholly clear. The boys and I recently
discussed my idea of writing a book about my life, maybe a picture book, so I think the letter may
represent my life as I look back on it. I have been told that "flower" was my first word as a baby,
so the flower may represent me. The heart reminds me of a Valentine card, sentimental but
superficial. The mismatched paper heart symbolizes a form of love which even if deeply felt,
somehow does not nourish the beloved. Does the glue also represent love, or maybe connection? It
attaches family photos in an album, family memories in a life, family members to one another.
Whatever it represents, I find it neither from my past nor from others but rather in myself in the
present.
The last segment of the dream seems to address my relationship with Susan after ALS. It's mostly
about the marathon, which after a slightly rocky start, she is successfully managing. In other
respects though, we are a long ways from anywhere.